It's April 4, 2021 (Easter morning) and my wonderful husband planned a nice day trip to our favorite spot at the National Tonto Creek in Arizona. We went there a few times last summer and created a new extreme sport, river hiking! Not an extreme sport? You try it at almost 50 without breaking a hip! Our first experience was actually in Payson, AZ about a year prior.I learned after the first attempt of walking on water that doing it barefoot would be more challenging than I remember as a kid and invented these shoes that would allow us to walk over the rocks easily and without hurting our feet. I was really excited about my idea and planning my patent when we walked into Walmart and saw them down aisle 5. Damn! Somebody STOLE my idea...hey, wait, $10 bucks??!! Let's get them and try them out!! (you think that's a cool idea, wait until you hear my idea about adult fortune cookies!!) Ok, fast forward to Easter 2021, we had the perfect day (2 hours IS an all-day affair for us old people) wading in rapid ankle-high waters and slowly make our way down the falls. Our favorite place is up by the fish hatchery where there are falls after falls, you know,the kind you see in those meditation-videos? Absolutely beautiful. It didn't matter that it took us an hour to make it a hundred feet, just to be together in such a calming and peaceful place makes the trip worth every minute. after our adventure, we drove back down the mountain to a couple of other spots we normally frequent.One is a place I like to call the "Twin waterfall". I forgot is was spring and just like the joining of twin flames, the two also joined as one big, beautiful waterfall. We couldn't have had a more perfect day and what a way to begin our "date week". 

We originally planned to go out the RV the next day but after our adventure, we were excited so we decided to put it off for one day so we could rest. And just as Destiny smiled upon us on Sunday, Fate wanted their payment in full and my husband woke up at 3am throwing up. I had to laugh at the irony of it all. Remember the last couple of sentences in the introduction? This ALWAYS happens to us, without fail. And then the separation begins. One day leads to several days as we both introvert into our little corners and wait for the next set of waves to hit until the tide rolls out again. It would be a week before finally making it out there. Mentally, we are both quite stubborn so this was our big "fuck you" to the cosmos. Emotionally, we are miles apart but we ARE determined! We finally get out stuff moved in and ready to settle in for the night. We had a very easy-going yet intimate evening snuggling and watching a show. We just enjoyed the quiet away from a house full of people and finally getting to snuggle up and enjoy one another without interruption. It was a really great start to what we had planned. 

A few weeks prior to going out to the trailer, I set up these little "date jars" with different fun activities we could do during our "date week". I think I found a little "flaw" in my idea. My idea's don't account for what is about to take place. Monday comes and my husband's back in hurting really bad. It's usually this time where I throw in the towel and once again, back in our own little corners until the severity of it goes down. But my husband was insistent we stay even if we don't do what we planned.  He reminded me that this was one of our biggest problems when he gets sick (which seems to be at least monthly) and then the back issues (which seems to be alway's). We usually have 1 good week a month where he isn't sick, I haven't started my monthly cycle and his medications has settled in so he's not so spazy and before they slowly stop working. We missed this week because, ironically, he got sick). He's right, this is ongoing issue that keeps us from actually connecting the way we want. So, he spent the evening pacing like he normally does when his back hurts and we did something we haven't done in a long time... we talked. We started with some superficial things, had a couple of laugh's from a youtube video and then had a heart-to-heart. Our lives revolve around everything else, and it knock's us down everytime. It's become a habit to stop hide in our own little corner's and I feel that dread everytime, we both do, and then the long extended separation. We don't talk, we barely look at each other because when we do, we just want to be together, and it hurts that we can't be the way we want to. Then comes the regret of the past. Not being together when we were physically able to do so. Times before this crazy nightmare started. This has become the norm, and it sucks.. We both shut down emotionally and that's what it is, why we don't look at each other, because then it would open us back up and then we would have to share each other's misery. Which, I found out in the course of this conversation is something he was trying to prevent me from experiencing, lol. Then I explained, I'm miserable anyway's because we are so distant, the one thing your trying to prevent is the one thing your creating. We are so intertwined spiritually that when one suffers, the other suffers's just as much. I, personally would rather be miserable together then be miserable separately. And then he made the correlation and brought us full circle. HE needed to stop protecting me, and I needed to stop letting him. What connects us is looking at each other, it's in the eye's, it's in the touch, it's in the kiss. And no matter how shitty we are feeling, that one look and that one touch literally takes us from different worlds right back to instant connection. So, he proposed, that no matter what, this was going to change. We weren't going to hide in our little corners anymore, waiting for the tide to leave, as it never really does. And we needed to make a point, every look, every touch and every kiss needed to mean something. Awareness, being fully aware for those few moments where we shut everything out, no matter what happens, and just embrace those few moments, each time. So simple, but mean's everything. And my part, to expand upon that, I would have to make some adjustments to the jars. Because the times of "feeling good" or having moments we can enjoy each other are so inconsistent as I realized we don't exist day by day but rather moment by moment, these jars needed to account for whatever was going on, light activities and more conversations for bad back day's, movies and show;s for sick day's, and romantic activities for time's where the moment presents itself. Another issue is when it does come, it comes and goes so quickly, by the time we figure out what we want to do, the moment is over, or we...eeekkk! plan! Which RARELY works out. We were excited about this prospect, but coming up with ideas isn't the issue, it's the follow-through. 

     I guess the Fates wanted to test this theory fairly quickly as we woke up on Tuesday. His back still hurting and I started my time of the month..a week early. No warning, which also NEVER happens. We decided to give up the RV week and move back into the house but not without taking back with us what we talked about. That was Tuesday. Wednesday went well and here we are at Thursday, my husband is sick once again. Maybe now you can see why we always view it as some type of cosmic sabotage. But, that's ok, because this time is different, I'm still holding my middle finger up and for the first time, I feel a sense of...control. And not because we WANT it to be different, but because we WILL it to be.