It's been about 2 weeks and a new medication refill since the last time we attempted out "honeymoon week" out in the trailer. We spent all day Friday April 23, we spent the day moving our stuff over to the trailer. We were both super excited because THIS time was going to be fun. We had date night's and activities semi-planned for the 5 whole days away from life...I thought it would be really cool to order some pizza and "pull a card" for a random and easy going first night. The cards in the jar are designed to give us a bunch of random stuff to do, the catch is we HAVE to do it. Pat pulled the card "80's video night". Ok, cool. Don't want to get to hot and heavy the first night and exhaust our old bodies out before we even get started! So, I started with a little "classic rock"and a memory of my first video that got me hooked on 80'smetal. Quiet Riot Bang Your Head". Pat's was Motley Crew ' To Fast ForLove". All these years and I had never seen the video...now I know why MTV failed to play it, lol. We started moving into some Iron Maiden and Metallica. The energy started feeling a bit heavy so I decided to move us more into fun pop music. Starting out with Madonna.About 4 video's later, we decided that we weren't really into it. But at least we tried.We decided to settle in bed and watch some golden girls. Pat spent some time rubbing my back and I decided to play more upon it. Then, just like Bon Jovi "Shot through the heart, and your to blame , darling you give love a bad name". This is actually an ongoing issue. Since my husband hurt his back, it's really hard to gauge when is ok, and when it's not. We had the discussion on Wednsday that he would like me to initiate these things more. I've gotten in the habit of waiting on him because he knows better when his pain is lowe enough to not want to put a bullet in his brain afterwards, which lead to some rejections and me being gun shywith initiating things. He told me on Wednesday that he will always have pain no matter what, so I should just initiate it. This was my night try. This, once again, turned into a "soft rejection". We went to bed. He fell alseep and I stayed awake for hours reliving the past once again. He woke up close to 4 and hense started the argument. I tried talking to him but the lack of sleep made it come across harsh and obviously a misunderstanding. It took about an hour and half to clear things up and allow us to go back to bed. We finally fell asleep as the sun was coming up. A couple of hours later, he woke up and then I did. Things went pretty smooth for the morning as we made our coffee, continued out discussion a little more on communication styles, though I'm not sure there is anything but harsh at 4 am. Moving on, tonight was the night for the date night I planned when my mom started banging on the trailer. My dad had fallen and hit his head. We quickly headed into the main house and saw my dad with a handful of paper towels and blood pouring down the side of his head. My dad isn't one for doctor's so after a quick debate, I resulted with blackmail. I said fine, if you won't go in to see a doctor, I'll call 911 and let them bring you in. End of conversation and I walked out. 2 seconds later, he came running after me, ok, I'll go to urgent care. We got everyone into the car and headed to the urgent care. By the time we got to urgent care, the bleeding had almost stopped. My dad was ok, everything was calm so we went back to the trailer. We decided on KFC that night, watched a tv show Grimm, which was a new one and for the first time in the 24 hours, things felt like they should. I think I'm trying to hard because all I really wanted was to be in his arms and to go back to being in "our zone". Right before the bed, the water stopped working...Fuck it, it's almost midnight, just turn the water off and go to bed. And that's what we did, holding each other and just being us. The next morning, Pat got up early and no matter what he did, he couldn't get the water fixed. I swear, this is cosmic sabotage again. Everytime we plan stuff, if anything could mess it up, it will. guaranteed. So I stood there yelling at the forces that be with a defiance stand..."fine! you want to screw things up everytime we get close..guess what...I have a new plan and that plan is to have NO plans!!" It's hard to sabotage anything if you don't what we are going to do...and even harder if WE don'tknow what we are doing! Have fun with that mother f@cker's!". And suddenly, this peace came over me. It was like I finally had control. So, we moved back into the main house and spent some time talking about everything. We talked about the pain and initiation thing and came up with a plan to navigate through his pain. Number's...yep, throughout the day, give me a number. IF your over a certain number...no go...if your on or under this number..go for it...but most important....we took intercourse OFF the table. Yep, you heard me. We can do other things to be intimate and with the years of navigating his disability, I learned most of the rejection comes from his fears of my expectations with intercourse, when quite frankly, for me, I'm happy doing other things. Once we both understood the expectations, by taking away the expectations, allows me to be freer in expressing more intimate intimacy. Another issue is we don'tlive day by day or even hour by hour, we literally live moment to moment because we never know what tradgedy will come, which ALWAYS seems to happen when we attempt to get closer. But when those moments come, we often go blank on the list of things we want to do and never seem to do anything, especially anything knew.So, I decided to write out a bunch of lists we wanted to do according to which situation we are in and how we are feeling. Not planning if or even when but generating ideas to put on the bac kburner in case we decide we want to. It seem's to be working. Out of the blue, my husband he wanted to get some breakfast at jack in the box and head to the lake to eat. Waterfront diner, always a winner. On the way, he asked me to take my list and share some of the idea's on there. One of the idea's was to dine att the docks. So, we headed to our spot and he looked over at the docks and decided to move over there, right next to the water. The lake waspretty empty and it was a beautiful view. We got out, walked on the dock with our dog Buddy and shared an romantic kiss before heading back to eat. We spent a lot of time just talking about different things, came home took a nap and started our evening without a hitch. We did out orange soda taste test and then moved into a nice hot bath to soak the muscles we pulled the day before by moving in. Things were just so random, off the seat of our pants and everything worked out perfectly. I think we finally got it! I'm excited about the future. jumping into the unknown and instead of disappointments, just randomly flow freely through each day, through each moment and whatever happens, happens.